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Wednesday, September 30, 2015

My Wife Hates That I Can Tune Our Son Out

teenager baby on board sign
Need one of these for our car!

My son is a teenager (15, now), and, boy can he pitch a fit! I don't remember being like that when I was his age, but I'm guessing it's perfectly normal. He uses it as a tactic to get his way.

In fact, whenever he begins one of these sessions, my reaction is to tune it out. He's crying & stomping about the house in order to get his way. Sure, it can get annoying, but if you ignore it long enough, he'll eventually give up. Not so with my wife.

Our son has perfected his craft in regards to his mother over the years. He knows exactly which buttons to push to annoy her. Once he does it enough, she'll eventually give in. He uses such charming lines as:


  • Mom! Can't I stay up just 1 more hour? Please... please... please... please...
  • No! You guys never let me have any fun!
  • Mom! My friend gets to do it, why can't I?
  • That stuff's old, and old stuff sucks! I don't wanna watch that!


temper tantrum warning sign orange
And need these around the house!
There's much, much more, but you get the gist of it. My wife gives in, eventually, because our son knows just how much he can annoy her before she boils over. Which usually results in her getting upset with me for being able to tune him out.



Like I said, it's probably perfectly normal, teenage behavior. Therefore, just ignore it. Let him run himself down, and, when he gets tired, he'll quit.



But what do I know?

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

SNORING – The Sound that Woke the Bear

Let me tell you, nothing is more cranky than a woman who doesn't get her beauty rest (not that my wife needs it, but try telling her that)!

If you think poking the bear is bad when she's awake... The Force Bear Awakens should be the title of a horror film! Why is that, you may ask? I've said before that I can sleep anywhere and through anything. My wife... not so much.

A pin drop on Saturn would wake her up. You see, I snore. Yes, shocking, I know, but it's true. I snore loudly; I snore long. Do you think my snoring wakes my wife? Yes, yes it does.

My wife wakes up, and it's growl on! The thing is, I'm usually sound asleep, but I'll hear all about it tomorrow! She gets especially grouchy in the morning (she is NOT a morning person)!

Poking the bear may be fun. My son & I may get endless enjoyment out of it, but even we know better than to do it early in the A.M.!



I should get some of these signs and put them up around our house:




Monday, September 28, 2015

Man Shopping, or How My Wife Hates How I Shop

My wife loves shopping. In fact, her family has a special term they use for their kind of shopping: goobling. Now, I have no idea where the word came from or what it's supposed to mean, but that's their word for shopping.

no boys men allowed
And Stay Out!


Whenever her sisters visit, they spend hours upon hours upon days upon days goobling. NO MEN ALLOWED, either. We men fold stay home and play our games. So long as we stay out of the ladies' way, then we're A-Okay.



My wife loves thrift stores. Now, I'm all for getting cheap stuff, but she just likes to go and look. Sometimes she'll find something she really wants, and gets it, but more often than not, she just shops.

If my son & I go with my her, she hates it. We 'hang around' her, follow her about, and this bothers her immensely. She pretty much just wants us to get lost and leave her alone. Usually, she just leaves us at home.

Now, when it comes to other kinds of shopping, like say, grocery shopping, my wife hates me. I make a list, go in, and a few minutes later come out with what I wanted. This is how I shop for everything, and it drives her nuts.

mit student shopping go-cart gizmodo.com
Now this is what I call a shopping cart!
  • Do I need new shoes? 2 minutes.
  • A pair of pants? 2 minutes.
  • Groceries? 2 minutes.
  • Shirts? 2 minutes.
  • Noticing a trend?
  • Etc., etc...
The last time we went to the grocery store finally had enough. She said, “Baby, just go do it yourself. You'll be in and out before I even get to the front door. You suck all the fun out of shopping.

Then, naturally, she stuck her tongue out at me.

Real mature, dear. Real mature.


:)

Friday, September 25, 2015

My Wife Hates that I Snack All the Time; Never Gain an Ounce

We're a family of snackers. From chips to cookies; from Little Debbie’s to home-made brownies; from sodas to saltines we eat a LOT of snacks. Yet, I don't gain any weight.

My grandmother used to call me the Bottom-less pit, with good reason: Growing up, I could eat, and eat, and eat and never get fat. That changed, of course, when I became an adult. I put on a few (read: several) extra pounds, but my weight stabilized itself.

So, whenever I eat my weight in Cheetos, my wife always complains: “I eat like a bird and you eat like a 12 year old! How come I'm the one who gains all the weight!?

I can't help it. It's pretty much always been this way for me. Believe you me, if you actually knew how much food I consumed, you'd be amazed. I should look more like this:

cartoon elephant happy,dancing
Nothing Dumbo about this happy guy!

Rather than this:

cartoon pig cool
That's some pig! Pretty cool!


Still a bit on the chubby side, but not truly FAT.

My wife hates me... but she loves my body heat!

;)



Thursday, September 24, 2015

Poking the Bear – 10 Things I Do That Really, Really Annoys My Wife

You might have seen me refer to something in past blog posts as poking the bear. What does this mean, you ask? Well, I like to rile my wife up. I think it's cute (and yes, funny) to get her really aggravated. It's often so easy, too! I know it annoys my wife to no end.


That's not the only thing I do that annoys her, though. In fact, you might even say that there are 10 things that I do to annoy her (okay, there's way more than that)! So, without further ado, may I present to you:


TOP 10 THINGS I DO THAT MY WIFE FINDS ANNOYING!


10


So, honey, what
was it like when
dinosaurs roamed
the earth?



My wife is a year older than me, so I often give her grief (in good humor, mind you) about our age difference. No, I'm not a smart man. No, I don't do it in public.









9


See, that wouldn't
work in real life.
There's no way
you'd crush a car
from a fall like
that. Did you see
how that guy
dodged those
bullets...



Yes, I'm one of those people. I talk through movies or TV shows. Yes, my wife finds it annoying. No, I can't help it. Yes, sometimes I do it on purpose.









8


You just went in
there! How is it
you can shop for
10 minutes and get
everything, but it
takes me 2 hours!?



My wife likes to send me to the store alone because I'll ruin the experience for her. I shop like a man. Go in, get what's on the list, and get out. She hates taking me (or our son) shopping with her. We follow her around like dogs, or something. YEESH!









7


How can you eat
all that, and not
get
huge!? I eat
like a bird, and
gain 10 pounds!



I didn't start getting bigger until my late 20's. Before that, I could eat, and eat, and eat and not gain any weight. It's pretty much the same, now. My wife hates me for it. *sad panda*









6


Stop sitting there
staring at that
game!!”



My son & I play video games. I play mostly on my laptop. My wife doesn't understand them. At all. She always wants to know how we can sit there all day not moving. Hey, I do other stuff! Like this blog, for instance. ;)









5


Just tune him out.
He does it because
he knows you'll
give in to him if he
annoys you
enough.



My son is loud. Real loud. And he can be obnoxious, too. I can tune this out. My wife, on the other hand... well, she usually loses it after a few minutes. Yes, my son likes to poke the bear, too!









4


This room looks
like Barney
exploded in it!”



My wife says I make fun of her style. I do. She thinks I'm tacky, well, right back at'cha! (Honestly, though, most of the time it's just to get a rise out of her) ;)









3


SNNNNNOOOOO
OORRRRRRRRREE
EEEEEE!!!!



I snore. My wife snores. I sleep through tornadoes. My wife... not so much. Apparently, my snoring wakes her up every 5 minutes. Sorry, dear.









2


How can you sleep
through that!? A
train just went
through the
house!?



As above, I sleep like a log. Always have. And I can sleep anywhere. I've even fallen asleep standing up against a wall. My wife, however, sleeps like a criminal on the lam. If our neighbor 3 doors down dropped a fork on his carpeted floor, it'd wake her up. How is that my fault, exactly?









1


OMG! Are you
watching that crap
AGAIN!?!



I watch stuff on Netflix, Hulu, or YouTube... over, and over again. Sometimes I'll watch a show 3 or 4 times over the course of a week. This drives my wife batty. She can't stand it. What can I do?

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Pimple Popping – What Mom Never Told Me About Acne

clearasil acne cleaning pads
This is for acne... not
pinching fingers!


As a teen, I had acne problems, like a lot of kids. I eventually grew out of it, but they still occasionally pop up (pun intended). My wife has some sort of radar sense when it comes to this. She likes to find 'em and pop 'em. Why does she do that? It HURTS!


Call me a baby (she does), but it really hurts. Like someone took a teeny, tiny little knife and JABBED it into my flesh. No matter how much I cry out in pain, my wife WILL NOT STOP (like the Terminator of pimples)!



She even pops my son's pimples (he just turned 15, so he's starting to get some really nice ones, too)! Just as with me, he tries to get away, but we can't. There is no escape from my wife's poppin' hands. No matter how much we tell her it hurts, it's like she doesn't believe us.

I don't understand this, either. Is it like my poking the bear, and she just does it to see my reaction? Is it a wife thing? Do other woman pop their husband's pimples? Can anyone explain the pimple popping thing? Really, tell me why. Inquiring minds wanna know!

The worst part is that she's sneaky about it. I'll just be sitting in bed, reading on my laptop when... BOOM! POW! OWWWW!! She'll strike! She's like a cobra taking a chunk outta my side!

When will it end?


Stop torturing me!


Okay, it's really not that bad... still stings like a CENSORED, though! 


tweezers
My wife's chosen torture
instrument... of DOOM!


And don't get me started on her tweezering 'strange' hair out of my beard!




Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Would You Like a Jelly Baby? – Why I Love Doctor Who & My Wife Hates It

doctor who logo original series
The Doctor Who Logo.


This is another one of those posts about a work of entertainment that I really, really love but my wife hates. And in this instance, I'm not kidding. She REALLY hates this show. Why? Heck if I know.




What's the show in question: Doctor Who. It's a long running science fiction (more fantasy) show produced by the British Broadcasting Company (BBC). Yes, it's Brit TV. It features an alien with two hearts who changes his appearance whenever he is mortally injured. By that, I mean, whenever the current actor wants to leave, they pick a new person, and VOILA– New face; same character.

I first came upon the show when I was 8 years old. It used to air on PBS, Saturday nights at 10pm. This was the only time I was allowed to stay up late. I watched it almost reverently until it was canceled in 1989. I was devastated.

In 1996, there was an attempt to bring the show back on FOX, in America. It failed, and the show vanished into obscurity. That is, until a man named Russel T. Davis changed all that.


doctor who 50th all doctors
The 11 Doctors together for Doctor Who's 50th Anniversary.
The show was revived in 2005, & has become a world-wide phenomenon. Now, people actually know what I'm talking about when I mention Doctor Who! It's amazing! Young & old alike enjoy the show in its current incarnation. Not my wife, though.

I tried to get her & my son interested in it, to no avail. She called it boring & didn't like how the main character just talked, and talked, and talked. She refused to watch more than 1 episode. To this day, if it comes on, she walks off.



So, I watch it alone. 

...

Still, beats Arrow, though!

...



Take that, honey!

Monday, September 21, 2015

You're Wearing THAT!? - Why What I Wear is Wrong

Okay, look. I'm a guy. I am not metrosexual, nor am I suave or debonaire. I'm a bit of a slob. Now, that doesn't mean I'm dirty or I trash other people's stuff. I'm very respectful of others. I just don't spend a lot of time on my own appearance.

So what if there's a little cheese stain on my shirt? So what if my jeans have bleach splatter? It's just clothes.

mens blue button down long sleeve shirt
This is what I like to wear.


My wife hates my taste in clothing. I'd rather wear a long sleeve, button down shirt with a tank top underneath and slacks.





mens maroon tshirt
This is what my wife
wants me to wear.


She'd rather I dress 'younger' in t-shirts, jeans, & the like. It took her a while, but most of my button downs and slacks are gone. Now I wear colorful T’s & blue jeans. Thanks, honey.






Yes, guys, I gave in. What else was I supposed to do?

That isn't to say my wife dresses me. For the most part, I still pick out my own clothes... She just gives me THE LOOK if I pick something out she doesn't like. Then it's: Well, I'll just put that shirt right back on the hanger. How's this one?

This is how my wife
saw me on the 1st date. ;)



When my wife first met me, I wore a white button down shirt, pocket full of pens, black dress slacks, and (slightly) worn dress shoes. She probably thought I was uptight. Now I pretty much dress how she wants me to.






I still don't see what's wrong with that cheese stain, though.


No, I'm not throwing out that perfectly good shirt! It's just a little grease!


Yes, dear. Right in the trash.



Friday, September 18, 2015

Creepy Dude... My Wife Hates My Humor

I'm not really a creep dude. Really. I'm not.

...

Don't look at me like that! Seriously, though, that's just something my niece started calling me because I like to do funny voices and impressions. At least, I think they are funny. Babies certainly laugh. Not my wife, though.

I can make my voice sound like I just sucked in some helium. Then there's my tickle me Elmo impression. I also do a bit of Sean Connery from some of his various roles.. Oh, an my personal favorite (the babies really love this one) crying baby.

You see, my wife thought they were funny, too, at first. Unfortunately, I like to do these voices/impressions in public... which is what my wife really hates. I guess I might be a tad bit embarrassing to her.

The thing is, I like seeing people laugh. When I was growing up, it was my brother who was always the joker. I was the serious one. The straight man. Hardy to his Laurel; Abbot to his Costello; et cetera, et cetera. I was NEVER the 'funny one'.

Now, I can make people laugh on my own. If that means I have to be a little bit silly, from time to time... so be it. What's the worse thing that can happen? I'll get laughed at?

...

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

...

If you want to hear the voices & impressions:

My Voice on Helium

Tickle Me Elmo impression


Sean Connery Impressions

Crying Baby!

Thursday, September 17, 2015

You're So Cute, Baby... Uh oh!

My wife is a lovely and wonderful woman. She's my soul mate... my one, true love. She can also be down right... ornery, at certain times. Even though I know this, it still catches me off guard.

I might say something innocent, like, 'You look cute today, baby.' The next thing I know, I'm getting my head bit-off. Uh oh! Now's probably not the best time to be poking the bear.

'Honey, you're the dumbest smart person I know.', is something I often hear from my wife. Apparently it takes me a minute to realize that now is not the time for cuddling... or compliments... or even breathing.

Every man knows what I'm talking about, so I won't go into any real details. Suffice it to say, when this time comes, I'm ALWAYS wrong. Always. Without exception.

One minute, she's a charming creature with a twinkle in her eye, and the next she's a roaring bear, clawing at my throat. When this transformation happens, I usually follow these simple steps:

  • Stop moving – She might not notice me.
  • Back away slowly – Oh, boy! She saw me!
  • Get out of sight – If she can't see me, she can't kill me.
  • Hide under the covers – See the above.
  • When all else fails: RUN! - He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day!


So, what do I do if I DON'T see the danger signs? Well, as quoted above, I ain't too smart. Since I like poking the bear so much, I often take it to extremes... Which, of course, only serves to agitate my wife even more. Wouldn't you think, after all the years we've been together, that I'd have learned better by now?


Nope. Just take a look at this blog. Here I sit, still teasing that angry, angry bear.


Oh... um... Hey, baby! I love you!


Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Foods That I Love to Eat... And My Wife Finds Disgusting!

I have weird tastes. If you've been reading this blog (or know me in real life) you've probably all ready figured that out. My food choices are no exception. Now, you might be thinking, 'They can't be that bad, right?' Well, my wife hates them... let's see if you do, too!

TOP 10 FOODS I LIKE... AND MY WIFE HATES:







Why I Like 'em...


Why my Wife Hates 'em...











10

Mountain Dew

Probably one of my most often drunk sodas.


It looks like number 1 to her.









9

Eggs

Scrambled, fried, sunny-side up, or over-easy... they're just SO good!


Ewww! Noooo!









8

Ramen Noodles

Cheap, easy, and pretty good. I sometimes eat them as a snack.


That's not REAL food!









7

Butter on...

Everything! Yes, I love me some butter. What can't be made better with a little butter?


A little!? You put half the tub! Stop putting butter on everything!









6

Cheese on...

Again, everything! Cheese is yummy! Cheese toast, ham 'n' cheese sandwiches, or cheesy sauce for pasta!


I HATE HATE HATE HATE cheese! Enough with the cheese, all ready!









5

Cream of Mushroom Soup Spaghetti

This one is something my grandma used to make. I can never get it quite right, myself, but I still enjoy eating it.


That looks like BRAINS! Ewwwww!









4

Clam Chowder

What? I like clams... I like potatoes... put them together, and it's some GOOOOD stuff!


No... just... no....









3

Cheap Hotdogs

I don't need all beef hotdogs. Fried, steamed, boiled, baked, grilled, or just popped in the microwave, nothing like a good ole' hotdog!


Hotdogs are not supposed to bloat and split apart! That's gross!









2

Black Olives

What can I say? I like 'em. Mini, bite-sized snacks that are pretty darned good!


On a pizza... maybe. You eat them like they're chips!









1

Peanut Butter & Mayonnaise

I don't like jelly. I DO like mayo. My grandma used to make this for me when I was a kid. I love it. I even started putting a dab of syrup on it to sweeten the deal!


That's just... wrong! I think I might just throw up!


What do you think? Do I like some disgusting stuff, or what?


Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Fright Fest – Coming Soon to My Home

My son & I like to scare each other. We also like to scare my wife. This is a little something I call Fright Fest (and, no, not the Six Flags theme park fall festival). It happens at random; anytime, anyplace. My wife scares easily.

Sometimes it's as simple as hiding behind a door before she walks through, or around a corner, out of sight. Other times it's been as complicated as putting a little ketchup on a finger and crying (yes, my son pulled this prank).

The most successful Fright Fest happened a few years ago (by successful I mean I scared her, but the bear struck back). My wife was sitting at the computer desk surfing (probably on Facebook). I snuck up behind her, and began to gently blow on the back of her neck.

Suffice it to say she screamed like a bear banshee, whirled in her chair, and proceeded to blindly flail in my general direction. Once she had calmed down, she revealed that she had thought it was a ghost!

Honey, if it were a ghost, why did you try to hit it?

Don't think my wife doesn't get involved herself, either. She's pulled pranks on her friends, as well as us. The best one is probably the tweeting bird. This one drove ME crazy!

I came home one day, and kept hearing this bird chirping. I thought, at first, it was something coming from the TV, my phone, or my computer, but it wasn't. Every time I would walk into a room, there'd be this CHIRP! ARGGGH!

Finally, I discovered, sitting atop our china hutch, this little, plastic bird. It had a sensor on it, and every time something passed in front of it, the thing would chirp. Cheap little dollar store contraption!

Most Annoying Bird Ever!
Not exactly the right bird, but close.



My wife must really hate me... dang bird...

To this day, I'm terrified of that obnoxious tweeting sound.


Oh, man! I think I can hear it right now!



Monday, September 14, 2015

Active Listening or How I Never Look at Her When She's Talking

We're out together. It's a nice, bright and sunny day. Maybe we're shopping or just on a quiet drive. My wife starts talking about her hobbies or her latest favorite show on Hulu. I can hear her fine. I listen. I just don't STARE INTO HER EYES!

I can repeat, nearly word-for-word, what she has said to me in the past few minutes. This irritates my wife to no end. If I don't look her in the eyes when she's talking, she says I'm not really listening to her. I am, though!

Then she often starts what I call her feedback rant. If I'm...

  • Not looking her in the eye.
  • Not replying to everything she says.
  • Not agreeing with her.
  • Not nodding my head along with her.
  • Not doing something else she thinks I should be doing.

Then I'm not actually listening to her.

Maybe this is a guy thing, or maybe it's just me. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I can multitask. I'm good at it. I do hear what you're saying, dear. Really. If I have nothing to say about it, that doesn't mean I don't care.


Okay, so most of the time, it does.

...

Just like she's not into the movies I like, the stories I read, or the YouTube videos I watch; I'm not INTO Arts & Crafts. I don't care that Adrian cheated on Paul! No, that lady didn't cut you off; she was 30 feet away!

Still, I work at Active Listening, now. I try (really, I do) to always acknowledge her when she's speaking. If it saves me from another long-winded rant, I'm all for it. I may like poking the bear every once and a while, but even I know when to back off.

Okay, dudes, take my advice: If your wife likes things that you don't; keep it to yourself. Say, 'Yes, dear.', 'No, dear.', nod your head, and laugh at the appropriate time. And, remember, her eyes are about a foot up from where you're looking.


Friday, September 11, 2015

Waking the Bear... DANGER! DO NOT WAKE THE BEAR!

Have you seen that ad, the one about voice searching with the Google App? If you haven't, it goes something like 'A Koala bear sleeps for 18 to 22 hours a day.' Well, that always reminds me of my wife.



You might be asking what does this have to do with a commercial? Well, my wife likes her beauty rest. In a house with a wild and rambunctious teenager, that's sometimes pretty hard to do. It doesn't help that both my son & I like to wake the bear my wife. The way she reacts is priceless!

Sometimes, it's innocent enough. My son wants to tell her about his new friend from school or I want her to see this funny ad on YouTube. This is when the bear roars!

My little koala isn't a teddy bear, either. She's an angry, moody, black bear, straight out of the mountains of Kentucky. When we wake her up, either accidentally or on purpose, the bear is usually NOT a happy camper.

That's where the idea for my blog's logo came from, BTW.



It's funny as all get out! My wife will growl, scream, yell, stick her head under he pillow... anything to get us to leave her alone and let her sleep! I just can't help it. She's so danged cute when she's mad!

Hmm... you don't think this is why My Wife Hates Me... do you?

;)


Thursday, September 10, 2015

I Speak Greek... er, Geek

I'm a pretty tech-literate guy. Not as much as my brother, but way more than my wife. I love computers, and various technology, from my old iPhone to my XBox 360. I really enjoy talking about geeky stuff. My wife LOATHES that. She's always saying, 'You know that went over my head, right?'

Okay, so she doesn't know what a CPU is or how to get back home on the XBox; she's just not a nerd techy, like me. Still, I try to educate her... sigh... in the immortal words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, “BIG mistake!

My wife will never get what I like. She does like some of the same things I do, but she and I are on 2 vastly different planes of existence when it comes to entertainment and technology.

Sometimes I get really excited about a new game or gadget, and like to tell her about it. This is where it becomes more and more obvious that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus (though I suspect my wife might actually be from Pluto).

She'd rather talk about Arts & Crafts, the latest gossip on Facebook, or how she's going to whip my butt at our next family night Uno game. If I even mention wanting to watch the latest Terminator film, she gets all growly.

It's just the way things are between us. She's with a dork an enthusiast and she knows it. When I babble on about something she's just not into, she let's me know. Maybe, next time, I'll shut-up.


Nah, probably not! ;)