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Friday, October 9, 2015

Blog Status Update

Hello, all!

Sorry there hasn't been any new content the past few days. I've just had quite a bit of stuff going IRL that has caused my muse to flee in panic. I've still got plenty of ideas, I just haven't been in a good enough mood to actually sit down and write, edit, design, and post them.

Also, today (Friday, October 9th, 2015) is my birthday, so I'm just going to chill, and take a little breather. To that end, I'll be posting another update on Monday with my new posting schedule, at least until I feel I'm back up to 100% writing capacity.

Again, thank you all for reading, and check back next week for new content!

...

Oh, and don't poke the bear! That's my job!

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

My Wife Says I Have NO Sense of Style

What can I say? I'm not a very smart man, when it comes to poking the bear. Don't get me wrong, even I know there are some lines you just don't cross, but I have been known to step just a little bit too far. Making fun of her sense of style is no exception.

Being a man, my tastes are somewhat... limited. It's just something that I don't really care about. Like color coordination or fashion details. Take color, for example. What's the difference between these two:

color box purple
color box lavendar



I'm not color blind, but they look that 2 shades of the same color: purple. NOPE! One is Lavender! My wife will spend hours trying to find, say, the right shade of paint to match the eggplant purple drapes. She wants cute, matchy-matchy towels in colors that rhyme... I just want to dry my hands!

Let's take furniture: I would rather have a nice pair of leather recliners. My wife wanted a big sofa. Which one do you think we got? (To be fair, I did talk her into getting a 3 piece sofa with double recliners on one end... no leather, though... or built in cooler... or vibrating seats... :( )



purple mermaid statueAnother thing my wife is really, really into is mermaids. She has mermaid pictures, paintings, statues... you name it, if it has a mermaid on it, she'll just love it! I don't understand, at all.







cola peacock
Pepsi... or Cola... I don't know!
pepsi cola peacock
Pepsi... or Cola... I don't know!
Finally, there are her peacocks. No, not real peacocks. There... statues or some such. She named them... Pepsi & Cola. I kid you not! What's that all about? And, no, I DON'T KNOW which is which!

brick cell phone 1980's
"1980 called..."



I don't get her style (and, yes, I often make fun of it), but she doesn't get mine, either (okay, so my style's probably a bit too 1980's...).



Monday, October 5, 2015

Sleeping Like a Log – How to Tick Off a Light Sleeper

alarm clock clipart
RRRRIIIINNNNNGGG!!!

My wife is a very light sleeper. When I say light, I mean light. She will wake up if someone sneezed on the other side of town. The slightest noise can bringer her completely out of a sound slumber. She has been this way since I've known her.




person sleeping clipart
This is me, sleeping like a log.

I, on the other hand, sleep like the dead. More importantly, once I'm out... I'm out. You can step on my head, kick me in the gut, or beat me silly, and I won't wake up. I've been like this since I was a child.



Now, put those two together, and what do you get? One cranky bear. It ticks my wife off, to no end, that our son's whooping and hollering in the next room (because he just kicked his buddy's behind in the latest Call of Duty) will scare her half to death and I just keep laying there... snoring... I've mentioned the snoring before.

The same thing happens if, say I have to get up in the middle of the night to take care of perfectly normal bodily functions. BAMB! She bolts right up, and then growls at me for waking her up with “all that noise!” What noise? I just, literally, sat up in bed!


koala bear clipart
Nice, cute, cuddly Koala!
grizzly bear clipart
ANGRY BEAR!
So, what can I do in this situation? Nothing. I try to be as quiet as I can, and hope that, when the bear awakens, it's the Koala & not the Grizzly I get!





Even I don't poke the bear when she's angry!



Friday, October 2, 2015

Talking 'Bout Movies... BEFORE They're Over

no talking sign
... during our feature presentation.

I am not usually a talker. I've always been an introvert, and my wife is an extrovert. She makes friends easily, she's a conversationalist, and she enjoys talking to people... Except during movies. Then, she wants absolute silence, so that she can enjoy the film. This is perfectly reasonable. Unfortunately, this is also when I can't shut up.


Yes, I am one of those people. Whenever we sit down, either as a couple or as a family, to watch some cinema, I'll inevitably begin examining the plot, or the characters, or the scenes in general. My wife cannot stand this. It makes her want to rip my lips off and bury them where they'll never be found again.


Honestly, I don't do it to be annoying. It's not a question, in this instance, of poking the bear. I just feel like Roger Ebert, and have an overwhelming desire to express my opinion at the movies (if you don't get that reference, it's okay. I was young once, too).



zip it zipper mouth smiley face
Zip it good!
It's not as if I don't try to keep quiet; it's just that, no matter what, I'll have to start stating my opinions immediately. It doesn't matter if we're watching my kind of movie (read: chick flick), my wife's kind (read: action/drama), or my son's (read: anything newer than 2000): I will still begin breaking down the plot/story/scene before we're out of the 1st act.



If my wife had her way, I'm sure she'd super-glue my mouth shut. Know any kind that only lasts for about 2 hours?








That was a joke, people. Really. It was. Try not hurt yourselves holding that laughter in, okay?



Thursday, October 1, 2015

Re-Watching that Show for the Millionth Time

 We don't get cable TV. In fact, it's been almost a decade since I had a TV subscription. My family gets our entertainment from Netflix, Hulu, YouTube, or some other internet based service.


netflix.com hulu.com youtube.com


My wife has shows she likes to watch, my son has his shows, & I have mine. Unfortunately (for my wife) I rarely watch new shows. Instead, my tastes lean more towards watching older shows... over & over & over again!


west wing tv show cast
The Cast of The West Wing.
Right now, for example, I've been watching The West Wing on Netflix. For about the 18th or 19th time. This drives my wife nuts. “How can you sit through that again!? I just saw you watching that same episode 3 days ago!


I finished the series last night... and promptly started watching it again. Why? I don't know. I'll just watch it again, until I get bored, and then switch to something else.

Maybe it's a comfort thing, but, it's not like I'm re-watching shows I remember fondly from my childhood (such as Doctor Who). It's almost always contemporary shows, like The West Wing, That 70's Show, Friends, Roseanne, The IT Crowd, or M*A*S*H.

What do all of these shows have in common? I have no idea. All I know is that I've watched them all many, many times, and, to the detriment of my wife, will do so ago... and probably very, very soon.



Wednesday, September 30, 2015

My Wife Hates That I Can Tune Our Son Out

teenager baby on board sign
Need one of these for our car!

My son is a teenager (15, now), and, boy can he pitch a fit! I don't remember being like that when I was his age, but I'm guessing it's perfectly normal. He uses it as a tactic to get his way.

In fact, whenever he begins one of these sessions, my reaction is to tune it out. He's crying & stomping about the house in order to get his way. Sure, it can get annoying, but if you ignore it long enough, he'll eventually give up. Not so with my wife.

Our son has perfected his craft in regards to his mother over the years. He knows exactly which buttons to push to annoy her. Once he does it enough, she'll eventually give in. He uses such charming lines as:


  • Mom! Can't I stay up just 1 more hour? Please... please... please... please...
  • No! You guys never let me have any fun!
  • Mom! My friend gets to do it, why can't I?
  • That stuff's old, and old stuff sucks! I don't wanna watch that!


temper tantrum warning sign orange
And need these around the house!
There's much, much more, but you get the gist of it. My wife gives in, eventually, because our son knows just how much he can annoy her before she boils over. Which usually results in her getting upset with me for being able to tune him out.



Like I said, it's probably perfectly normal, teenage behavior. Therefore, just ignore it. Let him run himself down, and, when he gets tired, he'll quit.



But what do I know?

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

SNORING – The Sound that Woke the Bear

Let me tell you, nothing is more cranky than a woman who doesn't get her beauty rest (not that my wife needs it, but try telling her that)!

If you think poking the bear is bad when she's awake... The Force Bear Awakens should be the title of a horror film! Why is that, you may ask? I've said before that I can sleep anywhere and through anything. My wife... not so much.

A pin drop on Saturn would wake her up. You see, I snore. Yes, shocking, I know, but it's true. I snore loudly; I snore long. Do you think my snoring wakes my wife? Yes, yes it does.

My wife wakes up, and it's growl on! The thing is, I'm usually sound asleep, but I'll hear all about it tomorrow! She gets especially grouchy in the morning (she is NOT a morning person)!

Poking the bear may be fun. My son & I may get endless enjoyment out of it, but even we know better than to do it early in the A.M.!



I should get some of these signs and put them up around our house:




Monday, September 28, 2015

Man Shopping, or How My Wife Hates How I Shop

My wife loves shopping. In fact, her family has a special term they use for their kind of shopping: goobling. Now, I have no idea where the word came from or what it's supposed to mean, but that's their word for shopping.

no boys men allowed
And Stay Out!


Whenever her sisters visit, they spend hours upon hours upon days upon days goobling. NO MEN ALLOWED, either. We men fold stay home and play our games. So long as we stay out of the ladies' way, then we're A-Okay.



My wife loves thrift stores. Now, I'm all for getting cheap stuff, but she just likes to go and look. Sometimes she'll find something she really wants, and gets it, but more often than not, she just shops.

If my son & I go with my her, she hates it. We 'hang around' her, follow her about, and this bothers her immensely. She pretty much just wants us to get lost and leave her alone. Usually, she just leaves us at home.

Now, when it comes to other kinds of shopping, like say, grocery shopping, my wife hates me. I make a list, go in, and a few minutes later come out with what I wanted. This is how I shop for everything, and it drives her nuts.

mit student shopping go-cart gizmodo.com
Now this is what I call a shopping cart!
  • Do I need new shoes? 2 minutes.
  • A pair of pants? 2 minutes.
  • Groceries? 2 minutes.
  • Shirts? 2 minutes.
  • Noticing a trend?
  • Etc., etc...
The last time we went to the grocery store finally had enough. She said, “Baby, just go do it yourself. You'll be in and out before I even get to the front door. You suck all the fun out of shopping.

Then, naturally, she stuck her tongue out at me.

Real mature, dear. Real mature.


:)

Friday, September 25, 2015

My Wife Hates that I Snack All the Time; Never Gain an Ounce

We're a family of snackers. From chips to cookies; from Little Debbie’s to home-made brownies; from sodas to saltines we eat a LOT of snacks. Yet, I don't gain any weight.

My grandmother used to call me the Bottom-less pit, with good reason: Growing up, I could eat, and eat, and eat and never get fat. That changed, of course, when I became an adult. I put on a few (read: several) extra pounds, but my weight stabilized itself.

So, whenever I eat my weight in Cheetos, my wife always complains: “I eat like a bird and you eat like a 12 year old! How come I'm the one who gains all the weight!?

I can't help it. It's pretty much always been this way for me. Believe you me, if you actually knew how much food I consumed, you'd be amazed. I should look more like this:

cartoon elephant happy,dancing
Nothing Dumbo about this happy guy!

Rather than this:

cartoon pig cool
That's some pig! Pretty cool!


Still a bit on the chubby side, but not truly FAT.

My wife hates me... but she loves my body heat!

;)



Thursday, September 24, 2015

Poking the Bear – 10 Things I Do That Really, Really Annoys My Wife

You might have seen me refer to something in past blog posts as poking the bear. What does this mean, you ask? Well, I like to rile my wife up. I think it's cute (and yes, funny) to get her really aggravated. It's often so easy, too! I know it annoys my wife to no end.


That's not the only thing I do that annoys her, though. In fact, you might even say that there are 10 things that I do to annoy her (okay, there's way more than that)! So, without further ado, may I present to you:


TOP 10 THINGS I DO THAT MY WIFE FINDS ANNOYING!


10


So, honey, what
was it like when
dinosaurs roamed
the earth?



My wife is a year older than me, so I often give her grief (in good humor, mind you) about our age difference. No, I'm not a smart man. No, I don't do it in public.









9


See, that wouldn't
work in real life.
There's no way
you'd crush a car
from a fall like
that. Did you see
how that guy
dodged those
bullets...



Yes, I'm one of those people. I talk through movies or TV shows. Yes, my wife finds it annoying. No, I can't help it. Yes, sometimes I do it on purpose.









8


You just went in
there! How is it
you can shop for
10 minutes and get
everything, but it
takes me 2 hours!?



My wife likes to send me to the store alone because I'll ruin the experience for her. I shop like a man. Go in, get what's on the list, and get out. She hates taking me (or our son) shopping with her. We follow her around like dogs, or something. YEESH!









7


How can you eat
all that, and not
get
huge!? I eat
like a bird, and
gain 10 pounds!



I didn't start getting bigger until my late 20's. Before that, I could eat, and eat, and eat and not gain any weight. It's pretty much the same, now. My wife hates me for it. *sad panda*









6


Stop sitting there
staring at that
game!!”



My son & I play video games. I play mostly on my laptop. My wife doesn't understand them. At all. She always wants to know how we can sit there all day not moving. Hey, I do other stuff! Like this blog, for instance. ;)









5


Just tune him out.
He does it because
he knows you'll
give in to him if he
annoys you
enough.



My son is loud. Real loud. And he can be obnoxious, too. I can tune this out. My wife, on the other hand... well, she usually loses it after a few minutes. Yes, my son likes to poke the bear, too!









4


This room looks
like Barney
exploded in it!”



My wife says I make fun of her style. I do. She thinks I'm tacky, well, right back at'cha! (Honestly, though, most of the time it's just to get a rise out of her) ;)









3


SNNNNNOOOOO
OORRRRRRRRREE
EEEEEE!!!!



I snore. My wife snores. I sleep through tornadoes. My wife... not so much. Apparently, my snoring wakes her up every 5 minutes. Sorry, dear.









2


How can you sleep
through that!? A
train just went
through the
house!?



As above, I sleep like a log. Always have. And I can sleep anywhere. I've even fallen asleep standing up against a wall. My wife, however, sleeps like a criminal on the lam. If our neighbor 3 doors down dropped a fork on his carpeted floor, it'd wake her up. How is that my fault, exactly?









1


OMG! Are you
watching that crap
AGAIN!?!



I watch stuff on Netflix, Hulu, or YouTube... over, and over again. Sometimes I'll watch a show 3 or 4 times over the course of a week. This drives my wife batty. She can't stand it. What can I do?

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Pimple Popping – What Mom Never Told Me About Acne

clearasil acne cleaning pads
This is for acne... not
pinching fingers!


As a teen, I had acne problems, like a lot of kids. I eventually grew out of it, but they still occasionally pop up (pun intended). My wife has some sort of radar sense when it comes to this. She likes to find 'em and pop 'em. Why does she do that? It HURTS!


Call me a baby (she does), but it really hurts. Like someone took a teeny, tiny little knife and JABBED it into my flesh. No matter how much I cry out in pain, my wife WILL NOT STOP (like the Terminator of pimples)!



She even pops my son's pimples (he just turned 15, so he's starting to get some really nice ones, too)! Just as with me, he tries to get away, but we can't. There is no escape from my wife's poppin' hands. No matter how much we tell her it hurts, it's like she doesn't believe us.

I don't understand this, either. Is it like my poking the bear, and she just does it to see my reaction? Is it a wife thing? Do other woman pop their husband's pimples? Can anyone explain the pimple popping thing? Really, tell me why. Inquiring minds wanna know!

The worst part is that she's sneaky about it. I'll just be sitting in bed, reading on my laptop when... BOOM! POW! OWWWW!! She'll strike! She's like a cobra taking a chunk outta my side!

When will it end?


Stop torturing me!


Okay, it's really not that bad... still stings like a CENSORED, though! 


tweezers
My wife's chosen torture
instrument... of DOOM!


And don't get me started on her tweezering 'strange' hair out of my beard!




Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Would You Like a Jelly Baby? – Why I Love Doctor Who & My Wife Hates It

doctor who logo original series
The Doctor Who Logo.


This is another one of those posts about a work of entertainment that I really, really love but my wife hates. And in this instance, I'm not kidding. She REALLY hates this show. Why? Heck if I know.




What's the show in question: Doctor Who. It's a long running science fiction (more fantasy) show produced by the British Broadcasting Company (BBC). Yes, it's Brit TV. It features an alien with two hearts who changes his appearance whenever he is mortally injured. By that, I mean, whenever the current actor wants to leave, they pick a new person, and VOILA– New face; same character.

I first came upon the show when I was 8 years old. It used to air on PBS, Saturday nights at 10pm. This was the only time I was allowed to stay up late. I watched it almost reverently until it was canceled in 1989. I was devastated.

In 1996, there was an attempt to bring the show back on FOX, in America. It failed, and the show vanished into obscurity. That is, until a man named Russel T. Davis changed all that.


doctor who 50th all doctors
The 11 Doctors together for Doctor Who's 50th Anniversary.
The show was revived in 2005, & has become a world-wide phenomenon. Now, people actually know what I'm talking about when I mention Doctor Who! It's amazing! Young & old alike enjoy the show in its current incarnation. Not my wife, though.

I tried to get her & my son interested in it, to no avail. She called it boring & didn't like how the main character just talked, and talked, and talked. She refused to watch more than 1 episode. To this day, if it comes on, she walks off.



So, I watch it alone. 

...

Still, beats Arrow, though!

...



Take that, honey!

Monday, September 21, 2015

You're Wearing THAT!? - Why What I Wear is Wrong

Okay, look. I'm a guy. I am not metrosexual, nor am I suave or debonaire. I'm a bit of a slob. Now, that doesn't mean I'm dirty or I trash other people's stuff. I'm very respectful of others. I just don't spend a lot of time on my own appearance.

So what if there's a little cheese stain on my shirt? So what if my jeans have bleach splatter? It's just clothes.

mens blue button down long sleeve shirt
This is what I like to wear.


My wife hates my taste in clothing. I'd rather wear a long sleeve, button down shirt with a tank top underneath and slacks.





mens maroon tshirt
This is what my wife
wants me to wear.


She'd rather I dress 'younger' in t-shirts, jeans, & the like. It took her a while, but most of my button downs and slacks are gone. Now I wear colorful T’s & blue jeans. Thanks, honey.






Yes, guys, I gave in. What else was I supposed to do?

That isn't to say my wife dresses me. For the most part, I still pick out my own clothes... She just gives me THE LOOK if I pick something out she doesn't like. Then it's: Well, I'll just put that shirt right back on the hanger. How's this one?

This is how my wife
saw me on the 1st date. ;)



When my wife first met me, I wore a white button down shirt, pocket full of pens, black dress slacks, and (slightly) worn dress shoes. She probably thought I was uptight. Now I pretty much dress how she wants me to.






I still don't see what's wrong with that cheese stain, though.


No, I'm not throwing out that perfectly good shirt! It's just a little grease!


Yes, dear. Right in the trash.



Friday, September 18, 2015

Creepy Dude... My Wife Hates My Humor

I'm not really a creep dude. Really. I'm not.

...

Don't look at me like that! Seriously, though, that's just something my niece started calling me because I like to do funny voices and impressions. At least, I think they are funny. Babies certainly laugh. Not my wife, though.

I can make my voice sound like I just sucked in some helium. Then there's my tickle me Elmo impression. I also do a bit of Sean Connery from some of his various roles.. Oh, an my personal favorite (the babies really love this one) crying baby.

You see, my wife thought they were funny, too, at first. Unfortunately, I like to do these voices/impressions in public... which is what my wife really hates. I guess I might be a tad bit embarrassing to her.

The thing is, I like seeing people laugh. When I was growing up, it was my brother who was always the joker. I was the serious one. The straight man. Hardy to his Laurel; Abbot to his Costello; et cetera, et cetera. I was NEVER the 'funny one'.

Now, I can make people laugh on my own. If that means I have to be a little bit silly, from time to time... so be it. What's the worse thing that can happen? I'll get laughed at?

...

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

...

If you want to hear the voices & impressions:

My Voice on Helium

Tickle Me Elmo impression


Sean Connery Impressions

Crying Baby!

Thursday, September 17, 2015

You're So Cute, Baby... Uh oh!

My wife is a lovely and wonderful woman. She's my soul mate... my one, true love. She can also be down right... ornery, at certain times. Even though I know this, it still catches me off guard.

I might say something innocent, like, 'You look cute today, baby.' The next thing I know, I'm getting my head bit-off. Uh oh! Now's probably not the best time to be poking the bear.

'Honey, you're the dumbest smart person I know.', is something I often hear from my wife. Apparently it takes me a minute to realize that now is not the time for cuddling... or compliments... or even breathing.

Every man knows what I'm talking about, so I won't go into any real details. Suffice it to say, when this time comes, I'm ALWAYS wrong. Always. Without exception.

One minute, she's a charming creature with a twinkle in her eye, and the next she's a roaring bear, clawing at my throat. When this transformation happens, I usually follow these simple steps:

  • Stop moving – She might not notice me.
  • Back away slowly – Oh, boy! She saw me!
  • Get out of sight – If she can't see me, she can't kill me.
  • Hide under the covers – See the above.
  • When all else fails: RUN! - He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day!


So, what do I do if I DON'T see the danger signs? Well, as quoted above, I ain't too smart. Since I like poking the bear so much, I often take it to extremes... Which, of course, only serves to agitate my wife even more. Wouldn't you think, after all the years we've been together, that I'd have learned better by now?


Nope. Just take a look at this blog. Here I sit, still teasing that angry, angry bear.


Oh... um... Hey, baby! I love you!


Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Foods That I Love to Eat... And My Wife Finds Disgusting!

I have weird tastes. If you've been reading this blog (or know me in real life) you've probably all ready figured that out. My food choices are no exception. Now, you might be thinking, 'They can't be that bad, right?' Well, my wife hates them... let's see if you do, too!

TOP 10 FOODS I LIKE... AND MY WIFE HATES:







Why I Like 'em...


Why my Wife Hates 'em...











10

Mountain Dew

Probably one of my most often drunk sodas.


It looks like number 1 to her.









9

Eggs

Scrambled, fried, sunny-side up, or over-easy... they're just SO good!


Ewww! Noooo!









8

Ramen Noodles

Cheap, easy, and pretty good. I sometimes eat them as a snack.


That's not REAL food!









7

Butter on...

Everything! Yes, I love me some butter. What can't be made better with a little butter?


A little!? You put half the tub! Stop putting butter on everything!









6

Cheese on...

Again, everything! Cheese is yummy! Cheese toast, ham 'n' cheese sandwiches, or cheesy sauce for pasta!


I HATE HATE HATE HATE cheese! Enough with the cheese, all ready!









5

Cream of Mushroom Soup Spaghetti

This one is something my grandma used to make. I can never get it quite right, myself, but I still enjoy eating it.


That looks like BRAINS! Ewwwww!









4

Clam Chowder

What? I like clams... I like potatoes... put them together, and it's some GOOOOD stuff!


No... just... no....









3

Cheap Hotdogs

I don't need all beef hotdogs. Fried, steamed, boiled, baked, grilled, or just popped in the microwave, nothing like a good ole' hotdog!


Hotdogs are not supposed to bloat and split apart! That's gross!









2

Black Olives

What can I say? I like 'em. Mini, bite-sized snacks that are pretty darned good!


On a pizza... maybe. You eat them like they're chips!









1

Peanut Butter & Mayonnaise

I don't like jelly. I DO like mayo. My grandma used to make this for me when I was a kid. I love it. I even started putting a dab of syrup on it to sweeten the deal!


That's just... wrong! I think I might just throw up!


What do you think? Do I like some disgusting stuff, or what?