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Thursday, September 3, 2015

Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Bad Taste!

My wife hates me. It's a mantra that many men can relate to. It's probably not true in most cases, such as my own. My wife doesn't hate me, but I'm sure she could list off quite a few things about me she dislikes... a lot! That's what this blog is all about.

What you'll find here is a collection of bits and bobs from my life that I find interesting, quaint, or just plain funny. Everything from what my wife really, really HATES about me, to my (arguably) bad taste in cinema.

This blog is all about life, love, and the pursuit of bad taste (and, yes, honey, I know my taste in movies is pretty bad).  I plan to blog about a variety of topics that all have one thing in common: MY WIFE HATES THEM!

So, for your reading pleasure, let's start off with:

TOP TEN THINGS MY WIFE HATES ABOUT ME (in no particular order)!

  • “WHO PEED ON THE TOILET SEAT!?!” - Yes, I admit, like many guys, I often forget to lift the seat. Let's face it, that's a big target, but when you're still half asleep... well, sometimes you just miss... a lot!
  • “That show sux!” - My wife hates my taste in movies and TV shows. A fact which she doesn't hesitate to relay to me, over and over again. However, if I say anything about what she watches... Of course, that doesn't stop me!
  • “The Rocking Chair Incident” - We were out on a date to eat at the local Cracker Barrel, and my wife stopped outside to look at their rocking chairs. She loved them, and was going on and on about them (which, of course, I tuned out). Then she wanted me to sit down and see how it felt. We did, and they are very fine, well made rocking chairs. This goes to show you: Ladies; we NEED to be hit over the head. Subtly does NOT work with us! My wife actually wanted a chair for her birthday. I didn't get the hint, and, instead, her friends got her one. YEAH BOY!
  • “I speak Greek Geek – I like computers and technology. I like numbers and finance. I like sci-fi and fantasy. My wife... not so much. Whenever I get excited about one of these subjects, she listens, nods, and then tells me that all she heard was Greek to her.
  • “Active listening” - My wife likes to talk. And talk. And talk. And... well, you get the picture. I listen; really, I do. I just don't stare into her hypnotic eyes. Yes, they are (when she doesn't hate me) a wondrous shade of blue, but I don't need to look at her to listen. I can repeat back what she says, word for word... and oh, boy, does she let me have it when I do!
  • “You're wearing THAT!?!” - I'm a dude. I am a dude with NO taste in clothing; I freely admit this. My wife seems to think that I'll just magically develop some. I wear what is comfortable and convenient. So it has a little cheese stain on it! So it was sitting on the bathroom floor for a week! What does that matter?
  • “Creepy Dude!” - Okay. I'm not a creepy dude. Well, I probably was in high school (my wife thought I was a pot head), and, maybe in my 20's, but I've grown out of it. I have. It's just something that my niece took to calling me. The reason is that I like to do funny voices. My best ones are probably Elmo, Sean Connery, and a crying baby. Yes, I do these voices in public. No, my wife does not appreciate that... at all.
  • “Fright Fest” - No, not the Six Flags fall festival! You see, my son and I like to give mom a little scare every once in a while (READ: all the time!). This usually results in my getting pelted with soda, ice, a shoe, whatever my wife has handy at the time. You think she just doesn't like our humor?
  • “Please - Get some new shoes, all ready!” - I wear shoes until they have more holes than Swiss Cheese. In fact, in the past, I've even duck taped my shoes to hold them together. I just want to get a pair that lasts more than 6 months. Is that too much to ask?
  • “Please - Get a hair cut, you long haired hippie!” - Now, I don't like long hair. When I was in my 20's (noticing a theme, here?), I had long hair all the way down to my waist. I kept it in a pony-tail because that's the style I was into, at the time. My problem is that I hate hair cuts, and can never seem to get a cut that feels good. My wife wishes I kept hair really, really short. I mean like almost a buzz-cut short. I WILL NOT COMPLY! DO YOU HEAR ME... snook'ums?
Uh oh... my wife's almost home! I'm outta a here! See ya next time!

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