Man Shopping, or How My Wife Hates How I Shop

My wife loves shopping. In fact, her family has a special term they use for their kind of shopping: goobling. Now, I have no idea where the word came from or what it's supposed to mean, but that's their word for shopping.

And Stay Out!

Whenever her sisters visit, they spend hours upon hours upon days upon days goobling. NO MEN ALLOWED, either. We men fold stay home and play our games. So long as we stay out of the ladies' way, then we're A-Okay.

My wife loves thrift stores. Now, I'm all for getting cheap stuff, but she just likes to go and look. Sometimes she'll find something she really wants, and gets it, but more often than not, she just shops.

If my son & I go with my her, she hates it. We 'hang around' her, follow her about, and this bothers her immensely. She pretty much just wants us to get lost and leave her alone. Usually, she just leaves us at home.

Now, when it comes to other kinds of shopping, like say, grocery shopping, my wife hates me. I make a list, go in, and a few minutes later come out with what I wanted. This is how I shop for everything, and it drives her nuts.

Now this is what I call a shopping cart!

• Do I need new shoes? 2 minutes.
• A pair of pants? 2 minutes.
• Groceries? 2 minutes.
• Shirts? 2 minutes.
• Noticing a trend?
• Etc., etc...

The last time we went to the grocery store finally had enough. She said, “Baby, just go do it yourself. You'll be in and out before I even get to the front door. You suck all the fun out of shopping.”

Then, naturally, she stuck her tongue out at me.

Real mature, dear. Real mature.

:)

My Wife Hates that I Snack All the Time; Never Gain an Ounce

We're a family of snackers. From chips to cookies; from Little Debbie’s to home-made brownies; from sodas to saltines we eat a LOT of snacks. Yet, I don't gain any weight.

My grandmother used to call me the Bottom-less pit, with good reason: Growing up, I could eat, and eat, and eat and never get fat. That changed, of course, when I became an adult. I put on a few (read: several) extra pounds, but my weight stabilized itself.

So, whenever I eat my weight in Cheetos, my wife always complains: “I eat like a bird and you eat like a 12 year old! How come I'm the one who gains all the weight!?”

I can't help it. It's pretty much always been this way for me. Believe you me, if you actually knew how much food I consumed, you'd be amazed. I should look more like this:

Nothing Dumbo about this happy guy!

Rather than this:

That's some pig! Pretty cool!

Still a bit on the chubby side, but not truly FAT.

My wife hates me... but she loves my body heat!

;)

Poking the Bear – 10 Things I Do That Really, Really Annoys My Wife

You might have seen me refer to something in past blog posts as poking the bear. What does this mean, you ask? Well, I like to rile my wife up. I think it's cute (and yes, funny) to get her really aggravated. It's often so easy, too! I know it annoys my wife to no end.

That's not the only thing I do that annoys her, though. In fact, you might even say that there are 10 things that I do to annoy her (okay, there's way more than that)! So, without further ado, may I present to you:

TOP 10 THINGS I DO THAT MY WIFE FINDS ANNOYING!

10		“So, honey, what was it like when dinosaurs roamed the earth?”		My wife is a year older than me, so I often give her grief (in good humor, mind you) about our age difference. No, I'm not a smart man. No, I don't do it in public.
9		“See, that wouldn't work in real life. There's no way you'd crush a car from a fall like that. Did you see how that guy dodged those bullets...”		Yes, I'm one of those people. I talk through movies or TV shows. Yes, my wife finds it annoying. No, I can't help it. Yes, sometimes I do it on purpose.
8		“You just went in there! How is it you can shop for 10 minutes and get everything, but it takes me 2 hours!?”		My wife likes to send me to the store alone because I'll ruin the experience for her. I shop like a man. Go in, get what's on the list, and get out. She hates taking me (or our son) shopping with her. We follow her around like dogs, or something. YEESH!
7		“How can you eat all that, and not get huge!? I eat like a bird, and gain 10 pounds!”		I didn't start getting bigger until my late 20's. Before that, I could eat, and eat, and eat and not gain any weight. It's pretty much the same, now. My wife hates me for it. *sad panda*
6		“Stop sitting there staring at that game!!”		My son & I play video games. I play mostly on my laptop. My wife doesn't understand them. At all. She always wants to know how we can sit there all day not moving. Hey, I do other stuff! Like this blog, for instance. ;)
5		“Just tune him out. He does it because he knows you'll give in to him if he annoys you enough.”		My son is loud. Real loud. And he can be obnoxious, too. I can tune this out. My wife, on the other hand... well, she usually loses it after a few minutes. Yes, my son likes to poke the bear, too!
4		“This room looks like Barney exploded in it!”		My wife says I make fun of her style. I do. She thinks I'm tacky, well, right back at'cha! (Honestly, though, most of the time it's just to get a rise out of her) ;)
3		“SNNNNNOOOOO OORRRRRRRRREE EEEEEE!!!!”		I snore. My wife snores. I sleep through tornadoes. My wife... not so much. Apparently, my snoring wakes her up every 5 minutes. Sorry, dear.
2		“How can you sleep through that!? A train just went through the house!?”		As above, I sleep like a log. Always have. And I can sleep anywhere. I've even fallen asleep standing up against a wall. My wife, however, sleeps like a criminal on the lam. If our neighbor 3 doors down dropped a fork on his carpeted floor, it'd wake her up. How is that my fault, exactly?
1		“OMG! Are you watching that crap AGAIN!?!”		I watch stuff on Netflix, Hulu, or YouTube... over, and over again. Sometimes I'll watch a show 3 or 4 times over the course of a week. This drives my wife batty. She can't stand it. What can I do?

Pimple Popping – What Mom Never Told Me About Acne

This is for acne... not
pinching fingers!

As a teen, I had acne problems, like a lot of kids. I eventually grew out of it, but they still occasionally pop up (pun intended). My wife has some sort of radar sense when it comes to this. She likes to find 'em and pop 'em. Why does she do that? It HURTS!

Call me a baby (she does), but it really hurts. Like someone took a teeny, tiny little knife and JABBED it into my flesh. No matter how much I cry out in pain, my wife WILL NOT STOP (like the Terminator of pimples)!

She even pops my son's pimples (he just turned 15, so he's starting to get some really nice ones, too)! Just as with me, he tries to get away, but we can't. There is no escape from my wife's poppin' hands. No matter how much we tell her it hurts, it's like she doesn't believe us.

I don't understand this, either. Is it like my poking the bear, and she just does it to see my reaction? Is it a wife thing? Do other woman pop their husband's pimples? Can anyone explain the pimple popping thing? Really, tell me why. Inquiring minds wanna know!

The worst part is that she's sneaky about it. I'll just be sitting in bed, reading on my laptop when... BOOM! POW! OWWWW!! She'll strike! She's like a cobra taking a chunk outta my side!

When will it end?

…

Stop torturing me!

…

Okay, it's really not that bad... still stings like a CENSORED, though! 

…

My wife's chosen torture
instrument... of DOOM!

And don't get me started on her tweezering 'strange' hair out of my beard!

Would You Like a Jelly Baby? – Why I Love Doctor Who & My Wife Hates It

The Doctor Who Logo.

This is another one of those posts about a work of entertainment that I really, really love but my wife hates. And in this instance, I'm not kidding. She REALLY hates this show. Why? Heck if I know.

What's the show in question: Doctor Who. It's a long running science fiction (more fantasy) show produced by the British Broadcasting Company (BBC). Yes, it's Brit TV. It features an alien with two hearts who changes his appearance whenever he is mortally injured. By that, I mean, whenever the current actor wants to leave, they pick a new person, and VOILA! – New face; same character.

I first came upon the show when I was 8 years old. It used to air on PBS, Saturday nights at 10pm. This was the only time I was allowed to stay up late. I watched it almost reverently until it was canceled in 1989. I was devastated.

In 1996, there was an attempt to bring the show back on FOX, in America. It failed, and the show vanished into obscurity. That is, until a man named Russel T. Davis changed all that.

The 11 Doctors together for Doctor Who's 50th Anniversary.

The show was revived in 2005, & has become a world-wide phenomenon. Now, people actually know what I'm talking about when I mention Doctor Who! It's amazing! Young & old alike enjoy the show in its current incarnation. Not my wife, though.

I tried to get her & my son interested in it, to no avail. She called it boring & didn't like how the main character just talked, and talked, and talked. She refused to watch more than 1 episode. To this day, if it comes on, she walks off.



So, I watch it alone. 

...

Still, beats Arrow, though!

...



Take that, honey!

You're Wearing THAT!? - Why What I Wear is Wrong

Okay, look. I'm a guy. I am not metrosexual, nor am I suave or debonaire. I'm a bit of a slob. Now, that doesn't mean I'm dirty or I trash other people's stuff. I'm very respectful of others. I just don't spend a lot of time on my own appearance.

So what if there's a little cheese stain on my shirt? So what if my jeans have bleach splatter? It's just clothes.

This is what I like to wear.

My wife hates my taste in clothing. I'd rather wear a long sleeve, button down shirt with a tank top underneath and slacks.

This is what my wife
wants me to wear.

She'd rather I dress 'younger' in t-shirts, jeans, & the like. It took her a while, but most of my button downs and slacks are gone. Now I wear colorful T’s & blue jeans. Thanks, honey.

Yes, guys, I gave in. What else was I supposed to do?

That isn't to say my wife dresses me. For the most part, I still pick out my own clothes... She just gives me THE LOOK if I pick something out she doesn't like. Then it's: Well, I'll just put that shirt right back on the hanger. How's this one?

This is how my wife
saw me on the 1st date. ;)

When my wife first met me, I wore a white button down shirt, pocket full of pens, black dress slacks, and (slightly) worn dress shoes. She probably thought I was uptight. Now I pretty much dress how she wants me to.

I still don't see what's wrong with that cheese stain, though.

…

No, I'm not throwing out that perfectly good shirt! It's just a little grease!

…

Yes, dear. Right in the trash.

Creepy Dude... My Wife Hates My Humor

I'm not really a creep dude. Really. I'm not.

...

Don't look at me like that! Seriously, though, that's just something my niece started calling me because I like to do funny voices and impressions. At least, I think they are funny. Babies certainly laugh. Not my wife, though.

I can make my voice sound like I just sucked in some helium. Then there's my tickle me Elmo impression. I also do a bit of Sean Connery from some of his various roles.. Oh, an my personal favorite (the babies really love this one) crying baby.

You see, my wife thought they were funny, too, at first. Unfortunately, I like to do these voices/impressions in public... which is what my wife really hates. I guess I might be a tad bit embarrassing to her.

The thing is, I like seeing people laugh. When I was growing up, it was my brother who was always the joker. I was the serious one. The straight man. Hardy to his Laurel; Abbot to his Costello; et cetera, et cetera. I was NEVER the 'funny one'.

Now, I can make people laugh on my own. If that means I have to be a little bit silly, from time to time... so be it. What's the worse thing that can happen? I'll get laughed at?

...

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

...

If you want to hear the voices & impressions:

My Voice on Helium

Tickle Me Elmo impression

Sean Connery Impressions

Crying Baby!