Fright Fest – Coming Soon to My Home

My son & I like to scare each other. We also like to scare my wife. This is a little something I call Fright Fest (and, no, not the Six Flags theme park fall festival). It happens at random; anytime, anyplace. My wife scares easily.

Sometimes it's as simple as hiding behind a door before she walks through, or around a corner, out of sight. Other times it's been as complicated as putting a little ketchup on a finger and crying (yes, my son pulled this prank).

The most successful Fright Fest happened a few years ago (by successful I mean I scared her, but the bear struck back). My wife was sitting at the computer desk surfing (probably on Facebook). I snuck up behind her, and began to gently blow on the back of her neck.

Suffice it to say she screamed like a bear banshee, whirled in her chair, and proceeded to blindly flail in my general direction. Once she had calmed down, she revealed that she had thought it was a ghost!

Honey, if it were a ghost, why did you try to hit it?

Don't think my wife doesn't get involved herself, either. She's pulled pranks on her friends, as well as us. The best one is probably the tweeting bird. This one drove ME crazy!

I came home one day, and kept hearing this bird chirping. I thought, at first, it was something coming from the TV, my phone, or my computer, but it wasn't. Every time I would walk into a room, there'd be this CHIRP! ARGGGH!

Finally, I discovered, sitting atop our china hutch, this little, plastic bird. It had a sensor on it, and every time something passed in front of it, the thing would chirp. Cheap little dollar store contraption!

Not exactly the right bird, but close.

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My wife must really hate me... dang bird...

To this day, I'm terrified of that obnoxious tweeting sound.

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Oh, man! I think I can hear it right now!

Active Listening or How I Never Look at Her When She's Talking

We're out together. It's a nice, bright and sunny day. Maybe we're shopping or just on a quiet drive. My wife starts talking about her hobbies or her latest favorite show on Hulu. I can hear her fine. I listen. I just don't STARE INTO HER EYES!

I can repeat, nearly word-for-word, what she has said to me in the past few minutes. This irritates my wife to no end. If I don't look her in the eyes when she's talking, she says I'm not really listening to her. I am, though!

Then she often starts what I call her feedback rant. If I'm...

• Not looking her in the eye.
• Not replying to everything she says.
• Not agreeing with her.
• Not nodding my head along with her.
• Not doing something else she thinks I should be doing.

Then I'm not actually listening to her.

Maybe this is a guy thing, or maybe it's just me. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I can multitask. I'm good at it. I do hear what you're saying, dear. Really. If I have nothing to say about it, that doesn't mean I don't care.

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Okay, so most of the time, it does.

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Just like she's not into the movies I like, the stories I read, or the YouTube videos I watch; I'm not INTO Arts & Crafts. I don't care that Adrian cheated on Paul! No, that lady didn't cut you off; she was 30 feet away!

Still, I work at Active Listening, now. I try (really, I do) to always acknowledge her when she's speaking. If it saves me from another long-winded rant, I'm all for it. I may like poking the bear every once and a while, but even I know when to back off.

Okay, dudes, take my advice: If your wife likes things that you don't; keep it to yourself. Say, 'Yes, dear.', 'No, dear.', nod your head, and laugh at the appropriate time. And, remember, her eyes are about a foot up from where you're looking.

Waking the Bear... DANGER! DO NOT WAKE THE BEAR!

Have you seen that ad, the one about voice searching with the Google App? If you haven't, it goes something like 'A Koala bear sleeps for 18 to 22 hours a day.' Well, that always reminds me of my wife.

You might be asking what does this have to do with a commercial? Well, my wife likes her beauty rest. In a house with a wild and rambunctious teenager, that's sometimes pretty hard to do. It doesn't help that both my son & I like to wake the bear my wife. The way she reacts is priceless!

Sometimes, it's innocent enough. My son wants to tell her about his new friend from school or I want her to see this funny ad on YouTube. This is when the bear roars!

My little koala isn't a teddy bear, either. She's an angry, moody, black bear, straight out of the mountains of Kentucky. When we wake her up, either accidentally or on purpose, the bear is usually NOT a happy camper.

That's where the idea for my blog's logo came from, BTW.

It's funny as all get out! My wife will growl, scream, yell, stick her head under he pillow... anything to get us to leave her alone and let her sleep! I just can't help it. She's so danged cute when she's mad!

Hmm... you don't think this is why My Wife Hates Me... do you?

;)

I Speak Greek... er, Geek

I'm a pretty tech-literate guy. Not as much as my brother, but way more than my wife. I love computers, and various technology, from my old iPhone to my XBox 360. I really enjoy talking about geeky stuff. My wife LOATHES that. She's always saying, 'You know that went over my head, right?'

Okay, so she doesn't know what a CPU is or how to get back home on the XBox; she's just not a nerd techy, like me. Still, I try to educate her... sigh... in the immortal words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, “BIG mistake!”

My wife will never get what I like. She does like some of the same things I do, but she and I are on 2 vastly different planes of existence when it comes to entertainment and technology.

Sometimes I get really excited about a new game or gadget, and like to tell her about it. This is where it becomes more and more obvious that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus (though I suspect my wife might actually be from Pluto).

She'd rather talk about Arts & Crafts, the latest gossip on Facebook, or how she's going to whip my butt at our next family night Uno game. If I even mention wanting to watch the latest Terminator film, she gets all growly.

It's just the way things are between us. She's with a dork an enthusiast and she knows it. When I babble on about something she's just not into, she let's me know. Maybe, next time, I'll shut-up.

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Nah, probably not! ;)

Do You Cracker Barrel?

“An old man, garbed in tattered robes, sits near the fire in the common room of a lonely, aged inn. Upon seeing you enter, he motions for you to draw closer, and points toward an open spot on the floor at his feet. As you sit, he takes a deep breath, and begins to speak.”

“Let me tell you a story. A story that would one day become known as...”

The Rocking Chair Incident!

Nice intro, huh? Anyway, it was a pretty typical day in June. My wife and I were off from work and spending the day together. Our son was still in school (extended school year due to the massive snow storms we had had), so we decided to go on a date to eat at the local Cracker Barrel.

When we arrived, and started toward the front entrance, my wife casually mentioned how she loved the rocking chairs that lined the front porch of the restaurant/shop. She said we just HAD to sit in one, and made me do so.

The Chair in Question.

They have some very fine chairs, and, while it was very nice, I didn't understand why we were just sitting around outside instead of going in to eat. After about 5 minutes, give or take, we went in, and had a wonderful meal.

A few weeks later, on my wife's birthday, some of her friends came over to leave a surprise for her on our front porch. Low and behold it was one of the Cracker Barrel rockers. They talked about how my wife wanted one of these rockers for her birthday. BOOM! I realized that she had been hinting for me to get her one!

Say what? How was I supposed to know that? Suffice it to say, my wife was pretty upset that I hadn't figured out, after she dropped “So MANY hints!”

Ladies, please, listen to me. I'm a guy. We do NOT do subtle. If we want something, we tell you. If you want something, you have to tell US! Doghouse for days afterward...

The moral of the story... Guys, you better invest in a Ouija board, crystal, magic 8 ball, or something! Women seem to think we're 'Carnac the Magnificent.' Yeesh! (Bonus points to anyone who knows who Carnac is!)

BONUS VIDEO: Who is Carnac the Magnificent?

BONUS EPISODE: She's So NOT Into... My Movies!

I hope everyone had a happy and fun Labor Day Weekend! I know my wife did... ;)

Anyway, I'd like to talk about the film He'sJust Not That Into You, directed by Ken Kwapis. Now, I saw it in theaters, and I LOVED IT! Unfortunately, it's a film my wife hates. :( You see, in our family, I'm usually the one into so called 'chick flicks' while she's into the whole 'bad-boy/action flick' genre. That isn't to say I don't like a good action movie (I AM a guy, after all), but I just happen to enjoy other fair as well.

Fair warning: There WILL BE SPOILERS! If you haven't seen the movie, and you care about such things, turn back now!

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I mean it.

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Seriously, don't scroll down.

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Okay. I warned you!

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Let's talk a little about the movie. You may not know, but He'sJust Not That Into You is based on a book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. While the book is a collections of advice the authors have given to people over the years, the story line for the film doesn't actually exist within its pages. I found this a little disappointing when I first read it (I saw the movie 1^st).

He's Just Not That Into You follows 9 people as they grasp with love and relationship challenges in the new millennium:

• Gigi – A young woman looking for love in all the wrong faces.
• Connor – Hopelessly in love with a woman who has most definitely 'Friend-Zoned' him.
• Anna – Said woman, who happens to meet the man of her (not so sweet) dreams... while she wins a cooler.
• Ben – (Un)-Happily married to a woman who doesn't hate him (not to worry though, she will).
• Alex – Connor's friend who manages a pub, gives (awful) dating advice, and winds up falling in love with one of our ladies.
• Ben Affleck Neil – Ben's best friend who doesn't believe in marriage (and yes, that does come back to bite him on the gluteus maximus).
• Jennifer Aniston Beth – Neil's girlfriend of 7 years... and she DOES want to get married. No trouble there, right? ;)
• Janine – Ben's wife. DO NOT light up a cigarette around her... just sayin'.
• Mary – Anna's friend who works in marketing for Blade magazine and barely knows Connor. She's probably the most peripheral character in the story. She might have 10 minutes of total screen time in the entire film.

All of these people are connected to one another, almost like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, although one could make the argument that Gigi is the main character (most of the movie follows her, and nearly all of the characters connect to her, either directly or indirectly).

I find the film to be an interesting look at dating and marriage for my generation. While most of the characters are like-able, they all have some flaw that makes them seem more real. Gigi, for example, is a little neurotic, but I, even as a guy, genuinely feel for her plight in trying to find 'The One.' (My one may HATE me, but we love each other. ;) )

One thing that probably turns off a lot of viewers (which I actually think works really well in the film) is the continuous shifting from one character/group to another. It's usually swift, but only Gigi really has a lot of time spent on her dating plight. All of the others pair off, in one way or another, either as acquaintances, neighbors, friends, or lovers. There just isn't much meat to their story lines.

Gigi's on a journey most of us have been, at one time or another in our lives: Finding our match. Alex comes along, and changes her entire outlook, which, in turn, causes her to influence her friend, Beth. Meanwhile, Janine's husband, Ben, starts having an affair with Anna, who is friends-with-(occasional)-benefits with Connor, who started everything off on a date with Gigi! It's like an episode of Days of our Lives!

I feel that the best plot line in the film, the relationship between Neil (Ben Affleck) & Beth (Jennifer Aniston), doesn't get the screen time it deserves. Their's is, by far, my favorite story, but it gets short-changed, often in favor of Ben & Anna's affair. In fact, I so dislike Ann and Ben's scenes, that, on re-watches, I often fast forward through them. There just so BORING!

Overall, the movie tells a compelling story about the struggle many of us face, or have faced, in finding love. There are challenges, pitfalls, and triumphs. Some of the characters get a happily ever after, and some don't. I think that's a good thing, at least, in the context of this movie. There's always tomorrow.

I heartily recommend this film. My wife, however, would rather spend the 2 hours watching paint dry... or Arrow. Whatever.

Why My Wife's Shows Suck... or How I Learned to Love Sleeping on the Couch

People are different, and different is good. I like some things, and my wife usually HATES those things. That's okay by me (it's why we have more than 1 TV). Still, when I voice my opinion on the kinds of shows or movies she watches... 'BOOM! POW!' Right to the kisser!

Take Arrow, for example. The CW's action/adventure show, based on the Green Arrow comic books should be right up my alley. I just got tired of all of that with Smallville. My wife, though, loves DEM' ABS the show. She watches it constantly, and awaits the new episodes with barely contained glee. So, naturally, I rag her about it.

Guys, listen to me, if you don't enjoy your ladies swift kick to your posterior, I'd advise you not to make fun of her taste in... well, anything.

My wife also loves watching docudrama, especially anything related to murder. Most of them have such terrible acting, that I don't even know where to begin. Whenever she starts watching something, she'll give me a glare, and warn me to keep my mouth shut.

And don't get me started on all of the YouTube videos she watches. I watch vids, too, but I don't call her into the other room every 2 minutes to watch them. 'No, honey, I don't care that that dog is doing back flips into the pool. No, dear, I don't want to watch another clip of America's Got Talent.'

Speaking of being forced to watch stuff against my will, my wife is always trying to find a show we can watch together. Baby, shnook'ums, please, for the love of all that is good and pure in the world, we don't have the same tastes in entertainment! Stop trying to make me watch <insert newest show to pop up on Hulu here>.

I guess it could be worse, though... She could be a Trekkie!*

* - Disclaimer: I like Star Trek, guys. Stop sending me hate mail!

P.S.: STAR WARS RULEZ AND STAR TREK DROOLS!!!