I Speak Greek... er, Geek

I'm a pretty tech-literate guy. Not as much as my brother, but way more than my wife. I love computers, and various technology, from my old iPhone to my XBox 360. I really enjoy talking about geeky stuff. My wife LOATHES that. She's always saying, 'You know that went over my head, right?'

Okay, so she doesn't know what a CPU is or how to get back home on the XBox; she's just not a nerd techy, like me. Still, I try to educate her... sigh... in the immortal words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, “BIG mistake!”

My wife will never get what I like. She does like some of the same things I do, but she and I are on 2 vastly different planes of existence when it comes to entertainment and technology.

Sometimes I get really excited about a new game or gadget, and like to tell her about it. This is where it becomes more and more obvious that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus (though I suspect my wife might actually be from Pluto).

She'd rather talk about Arts & Crafts, the latest gossip on Facebook, or how she's going to whip my butt at our next family night Uno game. If I even mention wanting to watch the latest Terminator film, she gets all growly.

It's just the way things are between us. She's with a dork an enthusiast and she knows it. When I babble on about something she's just not into, she let's me know. Maybe, next time, I'll shut-up.

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Nah, probably not! ;)

Do You Cracker Barrel?

“An old man, garbed in tattered robes, sits near the fire in the common room of a lonely, aged inn. Upon seeing you enter, he motions for you to draw closer, and points toward an open spot on the floor at his feet. As you sit, he takes a deep breath, and begins to speak.”

“Let me tell you a story. A story that would one day become known as...”

The Rocking Chair Incident!

Nice intro, huh? Anyway, it was a pretty typical day in June. My wife and I were off from work and spending the day together. Our son was still in school (extended school year due to the massive snow storms we had had), so we decided to go on a date to eat at the local Cracker Barrel.

When we arrived, and started toward the front entrance, my wife casually mentioned how she loved the rocking chairs that lined the front porch of the restaurant/shop. She said we just HAD to sit in one, and made me do so.

The Chair in Question.

They have some very fine chairs, and, while it was very nice, I didn't understand why we were just sitting around outside instead of going in to eat. After about 5 minutes, give or take, we went in, and had a wonderful meal.

A few weeks later, on my wife's birthday, some of her friends came over to leave a surprise for her on our front porch. Low and behold it was one of the Cracker Barrel rockers. They talked about how my wife wanted one of these rockers for her birthday. BOOM! I realized that she had been hinting for me to get her one!

Say what? How was I supposed to know that? Suffice it to say, my wife was pretty upset that I hadn't figured out, after she dropped “So MANY hints!”

Ladies, please, listen to me. I'm a guy. We do NOT do subtle. If we want something, we tell you. If you want something, you have to tell US! Doghouse for days afterward...

The moral of the story... Guys, you better invest in a Ouija board, crystal, magic 8 ball, or something! Women seem to think we're 'Carnac the Magnificent.' Yeesh! (Bonus points to anyone who knows who Carnac is!)

BONUS VIDEO: Who is Carnac the Magnificent?

BONUS EPISODE: She's So NOT Into... My Movies!

I hope everyone had a happy and fun Labor Day Weekend! I know my wife did... ;)

Anyway, I'd like to talk about the film He'sJust Not That Into You, directed by Ken Kwapis. Now, I saw it in theaters, and I LOVED IT! Unfortunately, it's a film my wife hates. :( You see, in our family, I'm usually the one into so called 'chick flicks' while she's into the whole 'bad-boy/action flick' genre. That isn't to say I don't like a good action movie (I AM a guy, after all), but I just happen to enjoy other fair as well.

Fair warning: There WILL BE SPOILERS! If you haven't seen the movie, and you care about such things, turn back now!

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I mean it.

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Seriously, don't scroll down.

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Okay. I warned you!

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Let's talk a little about the movie. You may not know, but He'sJust Not That Into You is based on a book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. While the book is a collections of advice the authors have given to people over the years, the story line for the film doesn't actually exist within its pages. I found this a little disappointing when I first read it (I saw the movie 1^st).

He's Just Not That Into You follows 9 people as they grasp with love and relationship challenges in the new millennium:

• Gigi – A young woman looking for love in all the wrong faces.
• Connor – Hopelessly in love with a woman who has most definitely 'Friend-Zoned' him.
• Anna – Said woman, who happens to meet the man of her (not so sweet) dreams... while she wins a cooler.
• Ben – (Un)-Happily married to a woman who doesn't hate him (not to worry though, she will).
• Alex – Connor's friend who manages a pub, gives (awful) dating advice, and winds up falling in love with one of our ladies.
• Ben Affleck Neil – Ben's best friend who doesn't believe in marriage (and yes, that does come back to bite him on the gluteus maximus).
• Jennifer Aniston Beth – Neil's girlfriend of 7 years... and she DOES want to get married. No trouble there, right? ;)
• Janine – Ben's wife. DO NOT light up a cigarette around her... just sayin'.
• Mary – Anna's friend who works in marketing for Blade magazine and barely knows Connor. She's probably the most peripheral character in the story. She might have 10 minutes of total screen time in the entire film.

All of these people are connected to one another, almost like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, although one could make the argument that Gigi is the main character (most of the movie follows her, and nearly all of the characters connect to her, either directly or indirectly).

I find the film to be an interesting look at dating and marriage for my generation. While most of the characters are like-able, they all have some flaw that makes them seem more real. Gigi, for example, is a little neurotic, but I, even as a guy, genuinely feel for her plight in trying to find 'The One.' (My one may HATE me, but we love each other. ;) )

One thing that probably turns off a lot of viewers (which I actually think works really well in the film) is the continuous shifting from one character/group to another. It's usually swift, but only Gigi really has a lot of time spent on her dating plight. All of the others pair off, in one way or another, either as acquaintances, neighbors, friends, or lovers. There just isn't much meat to their story lines.

Gigi's on a journey most of us have been, at one time or another in our lives: Finding our match. Alex comes along, and changes her entire outlook, which, in turn, causes her to influence her friend, Beth. Meanwhile, Janine's husband, Ben, starts having an affair with Anna, who is friends-with-(occasional)-benefits with Connor, who started everything off on a date with Gigi! It's like an episode of Days of our Lives!

I feel that the best plot line in the film, the relationship between Neil (Ben Affleck) & Beth (Jennifer Aniston), doesn't get the screen time it deserves. Their's is, by far, my favorite story, but it gets short-changed, often in favor of Ben & Anna's affair. In fact, I so dislike Ann and Ben's scenes, that, on re-watches, I often fast forward through them. There just so BORING!

Overall, the movie tells a compelling story about the struggle many of us face, or have faced, in finding love. There are challenges, pitfalls, and triumphs. Some of the characters get a happily ever after, and some don't. I think that's a good thing, at least, in the context of this movie. There's always tomorrow.

I heartily recommend this film. My wife, however, would rather spend the 2 hours watching paint dry... or Arrow. Whatever.

Why My Wife's Shows Suck... or How I Learned to Love Sleeping on the Couch

People are different, and different is good. I like some things, and my wife usually HATES those things. That's okay by me (it's why we have more than 1 TV). Still, when I voice my opinion on the kinds of shows or movies she watches... 'BOOM! POW!' Right to the kisser!

Take Arrow, for example. The CW's action/adventure show, based on the Green Arrow comic books should be right up my alley. I just got tired of all of that with Smallville. My wife, though, loves DEM' ABS the show. She watches it constantly, and awaits the new episodes with barely contained glee. So, naturally, I rag her about it.

Guys, listen to me, if you don't enjoy your ladies swift kick to your posterior, I'd advise you not to make fun of her taste in... well, anything.

My wife also loves watching docudrama, especially anything related to murder. Most of them have such terrible acting, that I don't even know where to begin. Whenever she starts watching something, she'll give me a glare, and warn me to keep my mouth shut.

And don't get me started on all of the YouTube videos she watches. I watch vids, too, but I don't call her into the other room every 2 minutes to watch them. 'No, honey, I don't care that that dog is doing back flips into the pool. No, dear, I don't want to watch another clip of America's Got Talent.'

Speaking of being forced to watch stuff against my will, my wife is always trying to find a show we can watch together. Baby, shnook'ums, please, for the love of all that is good and pure in the world, we don't have the same tastes in entertainment! Stop trying to make me watch <insert newest show to pop up on Hulu here>.

I guess it could be worse, though... She could be a Trekkie!*

* - Disclaimer: I like Star Trek, guys. Stop sending me hate mail!

P.S.: STAR WARS RULEZ AND STAR TREK DROOLS!!!

Of Toilet Seats, Wee-wee, and (a) Man

Okay, so yesterday's blog was an introduction to a little bit of why MY WIFE HATES ME. I want to tell you a more about each of those 'TOP TEN' things. I feel that I can add a some depth (and maybe get just a 'wee' bit understanding... at least from the guys)!

“WHO PEED ON THE TOILET SEAT!?!”

First of all, I'm not the only guy in the house. Sometimes it could be the boy who does this, but it's always ME that gets the blame. Now, I'm not innocent of this (heinous) crime. I've already admitted to that, but why am I the one getting yelled at?

I don't try and intentionally make a mess. When I'm actually passed 'groggy,' I usually DO 'wipe the seatie,' as a former co-worker used to say. So I ask myself, 'George ( refer to myself as George, though that's not my name), why can the lady of the house not check the seat? Why must I 'put the seat up' when I use the toilet, and 'put the seat down' when I am done?'

Now, of course, I never bring this up with the wife. Oh, no. She'll inevitably tell me how hard it is to be a woman and how miserable she can make my life if I don't agree with her. So, naturally, being the 'dumbest smart guy' (she actually calls me that, along with some other choice names that begin with a synonym for donkey) my wife knows, I argue with her.

(I'll let you in on a little secret. I think she's right, but I just like arguing with her, anyway. She's drop dead sexy when she gets angry).

Well, that's about all I have to say on this subject. Tune in next week (though there will be NO blog post on Monday, due to the Labor Day holiday) when I continue to regal you with tales of WHY MY WIFE HATES ME!

P.S.: Because of the holiday, I'll be giving you a 2-fer-1 special on Tuesday's blog. In addition to my rivetting prose, you'll also get to experience my review of one of my favorite movies (one my wife, of course, HATES): “HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU”

Peace out, ya'll!

Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Bad Taste!

My wife hates me. It's a mantra that many men can relate to. It's probably not true in most cases, such as my own. My wife doesn't hate me, but I'm sure she could list off quite a few things about me she dislikes... a lot! That's what this blog is all about.

What you'll find here is a collection of bits and bobs from my life that I find interesting, quaint, or just plain funny. Everything from what my wife really, really HATES about me, to my (arguably) bad taste in cinema.

This blog is all about life, love, and the pursuit of bad taste (and, yes, honey, I know my taste in movies is pretty bad).  I plan to blog about a variety of topics that all have one thing in common: MY WIFE HATES THEM!

So, for your reading pleasure, let's start off with:

TOP TEN THINGS MY WIFE HATES ABOUT ME (in no particular order)!

• “WHO PEED ON THE TOILET SEAT!?!” - Yes, I admit, like many guys, I often forget to lift the seat. Let's face it, that's a big target, but when you're still half asleep... well, sometimes you just miss... a lot!
• “That show sux!” - My wife hates my taste in movies and TV shows. A fact which she doesn't hesitate to relay to me, over and over again. However, if I say anything about what she watches... Of course, that doesn't stop me!
• “The Rocking Chair Incident” - We were out on a date to eat at the local Cracker Barrel, and my wife stopped outside to look at their rocking chairs. She loved them, and was going on and on about them (which, of course, I tuned out). Then she wanted me to sit down and see how it felt. We did, and they are very fine, well made rocking chairs. This goes to show you: Ladies; we NEED to be hit over the head. Subtly does NOT work with us! My wife actually wanted a chair for her birthday. I didn't get the hint, and, instead, her friends got her one. YEAH BOY!
• “I speak Greek Geek” – I like computers and technology. I like numbers and finance. I like sci-fi and fantasy. My wife... not so much. Whenever I get excited about one of these subjects, she listens, nods, and then tells me that all she heard was Greek to her.
• “Active listening” - My wife likes to talk. And talk. And talk. And... well, you get the picture. I listen; really, I do. I just don't stare into her hypnotic eyes. Yes, they are (when she doesn't hate me) a wondrous shade of blue, but I don't need to look at her to listen. I can repeat back what she says, word for word... and oh, boy, does she let me have it when I do!
• “You're wearing THAT!?!” - I'm a dude. I am a dude with NO taste in clothing; I freely admit this. My wife seems to think that I'll just magically develop some. I wear what is comfortable and convenient. So it has a little cheese stain on it! So it was sitting on the bathroom floor for a week! What does that matter?
• “Creepy Dude!” - Okay. I'm not a creepy dude. Well, I probably was in high school (my wife thought I was a pot head), and, maybe in my 20's, but I've grown out of it. I have. It's just something that my niece took to calling me. The reason is that I like to do funny voices. My best ones are probably Elmo, Sean Connery, and a crying baby. Yes, I do these voices in public. No, my wife does not appreciate that... at all.
• “Fright Fest” - No, not the Six Flags fall festival! You see, my son and I like to give mom a little scare every once in a while (READ: all the time!). This usually results in my getting pelted with soda, ice, a shoe, whatever my wife has handy at the time. You think she just doesn't like our humor?
• “Please - Get some new shoes, all ready!” - I wear shoes until they have more holes than Swiss Cheese. In fact, in the past, I've even duck taped my shoes to hold them together. I just want to get a pair that lasts more than 6 months. Is that too much to ask?
• “Please - Get a hair cut, you long haired hippie!” - Now, I don't like long hair. When I was in my 20's (noticing a theme, here?), I had long hair all the way down to my waist. I kept it in a pony-tail because that's the style I was into, at the time. My problem is that I hate hair cuts, and can never seem to get a cut that feels good. My wife wishes I kept hair really, really short. I mean like almost a buzz-cut short. I WILL NOT COMPLY! DO YOU HEAR ME... snook'ums?
  

Uh oh... my wife's almost home! I'm outta a here! See ya next time!