You're Wearing THAT!? - Why What I Wear is Wrong

Okay, look. I'm a guy. I am not metrosexual, nor am I suave or debonaire. I'm a bit of a slob. Now, that doesn't mean I'm dirty or I trash other people's stuff. I'm very respectful of others. I just don't spend a lot of time on my own appearance.

So what if there's a little cheese stain on my shirt? So what if my jeans have bleach splatter? It's just clothes.

This is what I like to wear.

My wife hates my taste in clothing. I'd rather wear a long sleeve, button down shirt with a tank top underneath and slacks.

This is what my wife
wants me to wear.

She'd rather I dress 'younger' in t-shirts, jeans, & the like. It took her a while, but most of my button downs and slacks are gone. Now I wear colorful T’s & blue jeans. Thanks, honey.

Yes, guys, I gave in. What else was I supposed to do?

That isn't to say my wife dresses me. For the most part, I still pick out my own clothes... She just gives me THE LOOK if I pick something out she doesn't like. Then it's: Well, I'll just put that shirt right back on the hanger. How's this one?

This is how my wife
saw me on the 1st date. ;)

When my wife first met me, I wore a white button down shirt, pocket full of pens, black dress slacks, and (slightly) worn dress shoes. She probably thought I was uptight. Now I pretty much dress how she wants me to.

I still don't see what's wrong with that cheese stain, though.

…

No, I'm not throwing out that perfectly good shirt! It's just a little grease!

…

Yes, dear. Right in the trash.

Creepy Dude... My Wife Hates My Humor

I'm not really a creep dude. Really. I'm not.

...

Don't look at me like that! Seriously, though, that's just something my niece started calling me because I like to do funny voices and impressions. At least, I think they are funny. Babies certainly laugh. Not my wife, though.

I can make my voice sound like I just sucked in some helium. Then there's my tickle me Elmo impression. I also do a bit of Sean Connery from some of his various roles.. Oh, an my personal favorite (the babies really love this one) crying baby.

You see, my wife thought they were funny, too, at first. Unfortunately, I like to do these voices/impressions in public... which is what my wife really hates. I guess I might be a tad bit embarrassing to her.

The thing is, I like seeing people laugh. When I was growing up, it was my brother who was always the joker. I was the serious one. The straight man. Hardy to his Laurel; Abbot to his Costello; et cetera, et cetera. I was NEVER the 'funny one'.

Now, I can make people laugh on my own. If that means I have to be a little bit silly, from time to time... so be it. What's the worse thing that can happen? I'll get laughed at?

...

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

...

If you want to hear the voices & impressions:

My Voice on Helium

Tickle Me Elmo impression

Sean Connery Impressions

Crying Baby!

You're So Cute, Baby... Uh oh!

My wife is a lovely and wonderful woman. She's my soul mate... my one, true love. She can also be down right... ornery, at certain times. Even though I know this, it still catches me off guard.

I might say something innocent, like, 'You look cute today, baby.' The next thing I know, I'm getting my head bit-off. Uh oh! Now's probably not the best time to be poking the bear.

'Honey, you're the dumbest smart person I know.', is something I often hear from my wife. Apparently it takes me a minute to realize that now is not the time for cuddling... or compliments... or even breathing.

Every man knows what I'm talking about, so I won't go into any real details. Suffice it to say, when this time comes, I'm ALWAYS wrong. Always. Without exception.

One minute, she's a charming creature with a twinkle in her eye, and the next she's a roaring bear, clawing at my throat. When this transformation happens, I usually follow these simple steps:

• Stop moving – She might not notice me.
• Back away slowly – Oh, boy! She saw me!
• Get out of sight – If she can't see me, she can't kill me.
• Hide under the covers – See the above.
• When all else fails: RUN! - He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day!

So, what do I do if I DON'T see the danger signs? Well, as quoted above, I ain't too smart. Since I like poking the bear so much, I often take it to extremes... Which, of course, only serves to agitate my wife even more. Wouldn't you think, after all the years we've been together, that I'd have learned better by now?

…

Nope. Just take a look at this blog. Here I sit, still teasing that angry, angry bear.

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Oh... um... Hey, baby! I love you!

Foods That I Love to Eat... And My Wife Finds Disgusting!

I have weird tastes. If you've been reading this blog (or know me in real life) you've probably all ready figured that out. My food choices are no exception. Now, you might be thinking, 'They can't be that bad, right?' Well, my wife hates them... let's see if you do, too!

TOP 10 FOODS I LIKE... AND MY WIFE HATES:

				Why I Like 'em...		Why my Wife Hates 'em...
10		Mountain Dew		Probably one of my most often drunk sodas.		It looks like number 1 to her.
9		Eggs		Scrambled, fried, sunny-side up, or over-easy... they're just SO good!		Ewww! Noooo!
8		Ramen Noodles		Cheap, easy, and pretty good. I sometimes eat them as a snack.		That's not REAL food!
7		Butter on...		Everything! Yes, I love me some butter. What can't be made better with a little butter?		A little!? You put half the tub! Stop putting butter on everything!
6		Cheese on...		Again, everything! Cheese is yummy! Cheese toast, ham 'n' cheese sandwiches, or cheesy sauce for pasta!		I HATE HATE HATE HATE cheese! Enough with the cheese, all ready!
5		Cream of Mushroom Soup Spaghetti		This one is something my grandma used to make. I can never get it quite right, myself, but I still enjoy eating it.		That looks like BRAINS! Ewwwww!
4		Clam Chowder		What? I like clams... I like potatoes... put them together, and it's some GOOOOD stuff!		No... just... no....
3		Cheap Hotdogs		I don't need all beef hotdogs. Fried, steamed, boiled, baked, grilled, or just popped in the microwave, nothing like a good ole' hotdog!		Hotdogs are not supposed to bloat and split apart! That's gross!
2		Black Olives		What can I say? I like 'em. Mini, bite-sized snacks that are pretty darned good!		On a pizza... maybe. You eat them like they're chips!
1		Peanut Butter & Mayonnaise		I don't like jelly. I DO like mayo. My grandma used to make this for me when I was a kid. I love it. I even started putting a dab of syrup on it to sweeten the deal!		That's just... wrong! I think I might just throw up!

What do you think? Do I like some disgusting stuff, or what?

Fright Fest – Coming Soon to My Home

My son & I like to scare each other. We also like to scare my wife. This is a little something I call Fright Fest (and, no, not the Six Flags theme park fall festival). It happens at random; anytime, anyplace. My wife scares easily.

Sometimes it's as simple as hiding behind a door before she walks through, or around a corner, out of sight. Other times it's been as complicated as putting a little ketchup on a finger and crying (yes, my son pulled this prank).

The most successful Fright Fest happened a few years ago (by successful I mean I scared her, but the bear struck back). My wife was sitting at the computer desk surfing (probably on Facebook). I snuck up behind her, and began to gently blow on the back of her neck.

Suffice it to say she screamed like a bear banshee, whirled in her chair, and proceeded to blindly flail in my general direction. Once she had calmed down, she revealed that she had thought it was a ghost!

Honey, if it were a ghost, why did you try to hit it?

Don't think my wife doesn't get involved herself, either. She's pulled pranks on her friends, as well as us. The best one is probably the tweeting bird. This one drove ME crazy!

I came home one day, and kept hearing this bird chirping. I thought, at first, it was something coming from the TV, my phone, or my computer, but it wasn't. Every time I would walk into a room, there'd be this CHIRP! ARGGGH!

Finally, I discovered, sitting atop our china hutch, this little, plastic bird. It had a sensor on it, and every time something passed in front of it, the thing would chirp. Cheap little dollar store contraption!

Not exactly the right bird, but close.

…

My wife must really hate me... dang bird...

To this day, I'm terrified of that obnoxious tweeting sound.

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Oh, man! I think I can hear it right now!

Active Listening or How I Never Look at Her When She's Talking

We're out together. It's a nice, bright and sunny day. Maybe we're shopping or just on a quiet drive. My wife starts talking about her hobbies or her latest favorite show on Hulu. I can hear her fine. I listen. I just don't STARE INTO HER EYES!

I can repeat, nearly word-for-word, what she has said to me in the past few minutes. This irritates my wife to no end. If I don't look her in the eyes when she's talking, she says I'm not really listening to her. I am, though!

Then she often starts what I call her feedback rant. If I'm...

• Not looking her in the eye.
• Not replying to everything she says.
• Not agreeing with her.
• Not nodding my head along with her.
• Not doing something else she thinks I should be doing.

Then I'm not actually listening to her.

Maybe this is a guy thing, or maybe it's just me. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I can multitask. I'm good at it. I do hear what you're saying, dear. Really. If I have nothing to say about it, that doesn't mean I don't care.

…

Okay, so most of the time, it does.

...

Just like she's not into the movies I like, the stories I read, or the YouTube videos I watch; I'm not INTO Arts & Crafts. I don't care that Adrian cheated on Paul! No, that lady didn't cut you off; she was 30 feet away!

Still, I work at Active Listening, now. I try (really, I do) to always acknowledge her when she's speaking. If it saves me from another long-winded rant, I'm all for it. I may like poking the bear every once and a while, but even I know when to back off.

Okay, dudes, take my advice: If your wife likes things that you don't; keep it to yourself. Say, 'Yes, dear.', 'No, dear.', nod your head, and laugh at the appropriate time. And, remember, her eyes are about a foot up from where you're looking.

Waking the Bear... DANGER! DO NOT WAKE THE BEAR!

Have you seen that ad, the one about voice searching with the Google App? If you haven't, it goes something like 'A Koala bear sleeps for 18 to 22 hours a day.' Well, that always reminds me of my wife.

You might be asking what does this have to do with a commercial? Well, my wife likes her beauty rest. In a house with a wild and rambunctious teenager, that's sometimes pretty hard to do. It doesn't help that both my son & I like to wake the bear my wife. The way she reacts is priceless!

Sometimes, it's innocent enough. My son wants to tell her about his new friend from school or I want her to see this funny ad on YouTube. This is when the bear roars!

My little koala isn't a teddy bear, either. She's an angry, moody, black bear, straight out of the mountains of Kentucky. When we wake her up, either accidentally or on purpose, the bear is usually NOT a happy camper.

That's where the idea for my blog's logo came from, BTW.

It's funny as all get out! My wife will growl, scream, yell, stick her head under he pillow... anything to get us to leave her alone and let her sleep! I just can't help it. She's so danged cute when she's mad!

Hmm... you don't think this is why My Wife Hates Me... do you?

;)